Thursday, October 27, 2016

Still Moving

I just finished yet another exhaustive survey about former ministers. I have done 2 for various university studies, 3 radio/podcast interviews and 2 other surveys for other organizations.

It is a bit of a trigger sometimes.

I know many ex preachers. One of them is a dear friend name named Jared and he tells me that I am the most resilient bastard that he has ever met. I am always dismissive of him, but as I think about it, I might be a pretty resilient bastard because after everything I have been through the past three years, I am still moving along the highway of life and not stopping.

I went through a divorce. I have been in the hospital three times. I have been in a the er a few too. I have stood by my son as he transitions. I have had 5 failed relationships since my divorce, one of which I fell deeply in love with, and a smattering of awkward coffee dates.

I have hurt friends, angered women without ill intent, had to face my own bullshit, and hold on, there is more.

Abject poverty, health issues without health coverage. I have had to borrow an embarrassing amount of money from a friend once, another raised money for me to get dental work, speaking of the dentist, I lied to a few when I was a taxi driver just to get my hands on some free toothpaste and floss and a new brush.

I have had 5 different jobs in this time.

I have had people go out of their way to tell horrible lies about to me to other people close and dear to me for reasons that I cannot comprehend for the life of me. The funny part is, I have done enough real things that I am not proud of that I have had to come to terms with that would have done the job of hurting my reputation that I would not be able to deny.

I have lost friends, I have had to cut ties with some for my own well being and I have made precious and beautiful new ones.

The road has been bumpy and there have been more construction sites and falling rocks and precipices without guard rails along the way than I can count. Sometimes I have been broken down, out of gas, and lost without a map or guiding star. But I am still moving along. I am not stopping. I can't. I won't. To give up is not an option and sometimes I do not know how I keep going.

I sometimes feel I have lost more than I have gained and I do not know what I have left.

But I know this. The things and people I have retained I have worked hard to retain and I love them. The things I have lost have taught me what matters most and I will always treasure the time I had with those precious souls I no longer have in my life. I wish them well. To the new gifts in my world, I treasure them.

I am an asshole and an angel.

I am a sinner and a saint.

I am celibate as a monk and as promiscuous as a sailor on leave.

I am honest and a liar.

But I cannot stop moving. I cannot stop this journey. I don't know how.

I love as best I can and hope I don't remember how to hate.

I have to love. I have to keep going. I have to believe in now and make what is to come better.

I suspect I am not the only one still moving.

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