Think about where you wanted to be in life when you were 5. Then 15. Then 25. Then 35...and keep on going. Where we want to be and our destinations and desires seem to be ever changing that I am not sure we will ever have this certainty that we cling to.
Being lost seems to be part of our journey and we are all too often dismissive of it.
When we are lost in our pain, there feels like there is no hope and we are standing at the precipice of the abyss and there is only all consuming darkness. It is only in those times that we find out who we really are when our beliefs are shattered and all that is left is our principles and how we will behave when there is nothing left to cling to. If a person says they have faith in a god and they crumble when the world crumbles, then they truly have no faith. A pacifist who punches another when pressed is not a pacifist. A man or woman who holds to their principles when there is nothing left is who they are.
When we are lost in confusion, this is when we get to analyze and possibly re-calibrate the map and choose a new path. The confusion is telling us something about the mysteries of life and shatters the illusion of certainty.
When we are lost in passion we are fully immersed in the physical and spiritual connections we can make with another. Let's be honest, there is a difference between having sex and being so lost in another that you do not know where they end and you begin. Where beads of sweat intermingle and you are fully present and the insatiable hunger is released. Where two bodies intertwine and their very touch is like electricity and every kiss is honey and all that exists is pleasure that churches would call hedonism and all you know is.....yes...this.
When we are lost in love there is no destination and you do not know or care if this is a lifetime or a season, all you know is that rare moment of vulnerability and acceptance and a desire to become poetry and continually woo knowing that the other is someone you want to continually know and you never want the discovery to end. You want to spend every moment appreciating and being appreciated.
When we are lost in pain and grief, the tsunami of life comes crashing on the beaches of our hearts and we never think we will make it, but not only have we survived each and every one of these times in life, we have risen stronger and wiser. We have faced that which we thought we could not face and we survived.
In comparison to being lost, being certain sounds terribly numb and a little boring. It also is a lie. We do not know what we want in five years. We do not know who we will be in ten. We do not know what happens after we die and we do not know if that person, the job, that belief will still be with us tomorrow.
I have nightmares from the things that I have experienced and seen that have likely created PTSD. I wake up some nights screaming and punching the air. My body has more scars then the average person. Some of them are from thrilling adventures and others came with a taste of blood and mortality in my mouth. Some came with my arms raised in defense and others came with my knuckles bleeding as I fought. I am stronger because of them and my empathy and understanding of the suffering of others is more true because of it.
I have the memories of passions. The taste of another's lips as tongues dance playfully. The taste of nectar of the poetic beauty that is woman intoxicating my senses. A body shuddering as my hands and body explored without inhibition. Nerve endings exploited as knees buckle and dehydration is dangerously close as intermingling sweat pours from bodies and souls connected.
I have love and been loved for seasons that have been living poetry and jazz and did not know or care what tomorrow would bring, but knew that this person was magic.
Being lost is where life has been most interesting.
May we never be completely found. May we embrace ever being a little lost.